I've got a test on Monday and I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to study for it, but am having absolutely NO luck. It's another stupid math test, and I know I did good on the last one with a 90%, but this one is really driving me crazy and I don't understand why because the math in this is actually better than the math from the other test...URGHHH.
and then I've got one more week until finals.
ONE more week. Can you believe it?
I can't believe how fast time has passed this semester. I was reminded of the dates the other day and was absolutely astonished by it.

I was watching Blades of Glory the other night with my room mates and one of them pointed out how similar Jon Heder looked in comparison to my coworker, Juan. Especially in that movie. I mean, Juan has brown hair and green eyes instead, but I confronted him about it and he told me that it wasn't the first time someone had told him that. I got to wondering how I would feel if someone compared me to Jon Heder. I guess being compared to any kind of celebrity is always interesting, though one time I told someone that they looked like Morrison from The Doors and they got really depressed about it because they didn't think he was that great looking. But anyway, back to Juan. I just got the sudden urge to point out this guy's great qualities. He's one of the nicest and most polite men I have ever known. He sticks to the old fashioned way of life and he has style, intelligence and a great sense of humor. I kind of want to be more like him in a way. His way of living is admirable and I think he attracts more people because of it. Though, I got to admit, it does get really annoying when all the girls start acting like completely different people around him. Around me, they act all normal, and then Juan comes out of nowhere looking like a Brazilian and BAM they turn all giddy, like they have just been shot with Cupid's arrow or something of that sort. I am not jealous though, why would I be? I just get annoyed with the fact that people have to act differently around certain people. Why can't we just be the same? I mean, I understand that there are times when you have to be more serious and that there are people who know you better than others, but drastic changes in behavior really bring me down sometime. Not down as in making me depressed, but down as in making me think too much about the situation. Sometimes I tire myself out from my own thoughts, I don't know what to do with myself half the time.

Bye Bye

Who says that anymore? My friends never say that to me because of the formality that comes along with it. Afraid to be judged by wrongful and spiteful actions, the childish behavior of this sentence makes them vulnerable for attack. They are always the victims. They like to believe what they see is not what is before them. What is there is not always there. What is not, is not always not. What is the life is not always the result of death. The heads of my humane sanity spiraled and I clutched the sides of it while grinding my teeth and chewing on a rat’s nail. The rat being a being in this situation. A being with no control of his life, nor his atmosphere. In control of nothing and everything. Being in that situation drives him crazy. Jumps off a hill. Runs through the water. Climbs towards the galaxy and opens his mouth in awe at the amazement of life. This is the kind of thing that brings humans together. The intelligence of the brain says not to create such circumstances. We are controlled. We are not controlled. Life is controlled. Life is not controlled. The moon watches us every night.

Conspiracy Theory

A thoughtful process has awakened Who is the paranoid one now?

Staring through black eyes with the shallow existence of the dead forest. I don’t know what to do with this gaze. I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. Harassment of all sorts surrounds me and the breath inside brings my soul to oblivion. There is no mercy or justice. I only smell a longing for acceptance and an awakening to try harder than I have ever tried before. Gasping with the breath that was given me, it all seems clear. The light comes. Grabbing it now. Oh so close.

I will not give in to this idiotic panic.

Today in psychology was really funny. I think it was good for me to laugh that much actually because it made me feel a hell of a lot better. We were learning about facial expressions and how to tell if people are lying and what not and all that other good stuff. But anyway, Mr. Contrera's was teaching us how to make the actual faces so that we could guess it from our classmates. We had to get into small groups and elect a person to try and make the faces. It was kind of funny because nobody else wanted to do it, so Daphne, this other girl and I just pointed to Gustavo and he was like, "oh no", but he ended up doing it anyway! So, anyway Mr. Contreras started reading the instructions..."Raise your eyebrows, tense your eyelids, lower your jaw" and stuff like that and then when the face was completed he asked, "Now, what face was that?" and some guy was like, "Stupid?" and then my professor said, "Actually, it's supposed to be surprised" and everyone started laughing. I dunno, maybe it sounds totally lame when I talk about it, but it was fun because everyone else was laughing about it. gosh, i probably sound pathetic don't I?

Etiquetas: boys, sketch

Hm.
Well, there is no easy way to say this...
One of my best friends from work passed away on Monday. I went to his funeral last night, sobbed my fuckin eyes out and looked at that cold body inside the golden coffin. He looked so different. So much older. He looked so grey and white and he was dressed so beautifully. Dressed beautifully. I was going into work and everything seemed fine, I walked into the back and there were a few people who looked extremely solemn. Stephanie looked at me and told me "Did you hear the news?" and I took my headphones from my ear one by one, making eye contact with her, not having a single clue as to what was going on. I said, "No, what news?" and then Tamara looked at me and said, "Limon is dead." and just like that, the world came crashing down. My eyes got wider, I sat down in the chair very slowly, still in shock. At first I didn't feel the tears, and then a minute later I felt my eyes burning and the warm tears started to seep out. I got up from my chair, ran to the bathroom and cried. I cried a lot last night. Haven't cried in months. I never cry.

The last thing we talked about was books. He told me he was going to lend me one and I kept asking him when I would see him again and he told me "I don't know". I said, "well, I'll see you whenever then!" and we departed separate ways. I didn't know that would have been the last time.

Tamara covered my shift so I could go to the funeral. When I got there, I was surprised that all of Limon's family knew who I was. They kept telling me that he constantly talked about me and he would refer to me as his cousin. They told me that he would always tell them about how I would exclaim to him, "You are my best friend" and I told them that he really was one of my best friends and they cried, and one of his relatives hugged me and told me that she felt I was part of the family even though we had never met before. Some of the other employees were there and I tried to take my mind off of it for a while. I just can't get over it, and even now as I am writing this, I feel the tears in my eyes. I wrote a poem for him. I wanted to read it at the funeral, but I knew I wouldn't be able to speak because I couldn't even talk without choking on my words.

I made some avatars out of my friends pictures! I was so bored yesterday so I asked them if I could just do it. Don't be alarmed if one day I creep on to your DA page and ask to make avatars out of your pictures!

I was bored during math class again, so I wrote some lame poems that I know aren't great, but I thought I'd write them here anyway. Man, why can't I get into math this semester? I'm just totally not feelin it. The teacher has started acting better, but I think I'm the one whose the problem. I know I have to go to visit the tutor...but I don't know. I'm just not motivated at all lately.

Factor
Factor the slacker
show up at my doorstep
and knock
knock with your knuckles
and cry
for I won't open
if you smile.
----------------------------------------
Luck
Perhaps the clover brings luck
with it's black magic
it's powerful heritage
the way it collects dew
always lurking behind her
like a child
it's luck has run out
oh it clings to it's mother
tears everywhere
luck is gone
bad luck
there will be no tragedy
the luck sleeps
wake it up
Lucky.

I was doing some self analysis today while I was sitting in my psychology class. We were learning about child development and parenting styles, and it had been scientifically proven that if someone had a good relationship with their parent during infancy, then it would affect the way they would develop romantic relationships in the future. I figured out that must be my problem. I have been told that I did not have a very good relationship when I was an infant. I was a very difficult child and wouldn't allow anyone to hold me and I would push myself away from my own mother and cry all the time and I never slept or participated with anyone at all. I think that this may also have something to do with the way I interact with people in real life. I do think I am a pretty difficult person at times. And, when I hear stories of my youth, I can easily relate it to the character that I am now. I can be social when I want to be, but most of the time, I am depressed, not social at all and I hate the majority of most people. Go figure since most people these days tend to be idiots anyway. I hate idiots so fuckin much. You have no idea. I dunno, I just thought it was pretty interesting and I wanted to raise my hand like all the other people were doing, but I didn't feel like talking about all of this in front of all those people.

I also had a VERY bizarre dream about math and time last night. I had a dream that time was turned backwards. Instead of the time going from 4,5,6...etc time would go back like 4,3,2,1...etc. And we would read time in polynomial factored form, so that in order to read the time, 6 o clock it would be displayed like (x+6)(x-6)(x+6)(x-6) and so forth. I don't know why it was in that order to be honest, but I woke up in the morning and felt VERY refreshed and energized like I had just had one of the greatest sleeps on my entire life.

Etiquetas: boys, sketch